


Before dawn

by Zamietka



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Crying, Depression, Gen, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt, Yorozuya Family, not graphic but ye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23479651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zamietka/pseuds/Zamietka
Summary: Gintoki doesn't feel like himself lately, and the kids notice that something is way off.
Relationships: Kagura & Sakata Gintoki, Kagura & Sakata Gintoki & Shimura Shinpachi, Sakata Gintoki & Shimura Shinpachi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 125





	Before dawn

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: I've written this on a whim after a dream I had; I'm not very happy with this work, it's a bit too ooc and angsty. I'm letting it stay here but yeah proceed with caution

You see the head again. 

Its eyes are locked with yours, looking at you in that all-knowing gaze.

The gaze is not evil in itself. It's soft, and kind, and tender, just like it used to be before everything went wrong, like it's trying to assure you that everything will be fine in the end. 

But for you... That gaze is the scariest thing.

The gaze is always lying.

The head falls down, smoothly, cut down with a sharp sword, a sword that was made for protection. Your sword. 

The loose ravens circling overhead are screeching, the promise you had made so long ago to protect everyone echoes in the air, and then the birds swoop down and start to aggressively pick at your skin and dirty silver hair. You can feel their painful scratches and pecks, yet at the same time, it's almost like they are barely there. 

Because the head stares at you, it's gaze

vacant, 

dead, 

yet strangely peaceful. 

The head is still smiling, this genuine, kind smile, forever frozen on its face. You want to avert your gaze, but you can't help but drill that image into your own head. The ravens peck stronger, they gauge your tongue, your eyes, blood trickles down your cheeks, and yet you are just standing there, taking their punishment with your chin high up. Soon, you can’t see anything as the black envelops your sight, but the flash of that smile can still be seen by you in the darkness, never disappearing.

Sakata Gintoki woke up.

Another nightmare.

He took a few shaky breaths. Rubbed his heavy eyelids. The nightmares always left him feeling like shit in the morning. And which night in a row was it already? Too many to count, and he had no idea how long they would last. Why did they resurface after all these years? He wished he could have a restful, all-night sleep, at least once. He was too tired; it was bad to the point where it was getting harder and harder to function normally with each day. Gin was pretty sure that even the kids started to notice that something was amiss, although he was glad they hadn't said a word about it yet. He didn't like that sort of attention, didn't like people being overly concerned for his well-being. He wasn't worthy of it.

He somehow managed to get up. Do the daily routine. Brush his teeth, while staring at the dark circles under his eyes in the mirror. After all that, he already felt exhausted to the core. He didn't bother with showering, he just put on his yukata loosely and went back to the living room to flop face down onto the sofa. He was definitely not up for any job today. Being a useless sack of potatoes sounded so much better. He felt like he could lie like this forever.

Of course, that was the moment where the kids showed up and started being noisy.

"Good morning, Gin-san, Kagura-chan. Geez, why are you two not up yet? It's almost noon!" Shinpachi complained, entering the office. Gintoki threw him a sideway look, as the boy was opening the door to Kagura's closet. The girl flopped down onto the ground, barely awake, her hair messy. "You guys are seriously too lazy."

Gin rolled his eyes. Yeah. Just lazy. Totally not exhausted after a night full of nightmares, thank you very much.

"Yeah, yeah," Kagura dismissed Shinpachi's nagging voice, yawned loudly, and then crawled over and screamed into Gintoki's ear, shaking his shoulder. "Gin-chaaan, get up already! I'm hungry. We gotta begin the new day with some quality breakfast!" He grimaced, as the girl's sleepy voice buzzed in his head annoyingly.

"Shut up. I'm tired. You can make something by yourself," he grumbled, turning his head to the back of the couch.

"No. Absolutely not. She almost burned the kitchen last time, " reminded Shinpachi.

"And I don't wanna! It's boring! Besides, your breakfasts always taste the best."

"Shinpachi, go make the princess some quality breakfast," there it was, that small hope that he would be left alone, at least for a little bit longer.

"Gin-san!" An angry stomp. Yeah, didn’t seem like he could have any more time to himself for now after all. "I've been making breakfast non-stop for almost a week already! I'm not your servant!"

"Could have fooled me," he muttered, and Shinpachi let out an annoyed huff at that. "Ughhh, fineeee. What can I serve you today, ladies and gentlemen?"

"Fried rice!" Kagura exclaimed happily. Ah yes, the girl did love his fried rice for some reason. Whatever.

He dragged himself off the sofa with a visible effort and shuffled to the kitchen. The dish didn't take much time to prepare, yet again, he found it taxing enough to lose all the appetite at the very end. After he had laid out the kids portions, he just decided to go back to his favorite place as of lately. His sofa. His only comfort and an oasis in this dark world.

"Gin-san, you are not eating with us?" Shinpachi asked, while Kagura literally threw herself at the food.

"Not hungry." he mumbled. The teen eyed him suspiciously, but didn't say another word, proceeding to dig in before Kagura could touch his portion. Probably thought that Gintoki was hungover, or something. Good. He closed his eyes, glad for a moment of peace and quiet.

For a while, it was fine. Kagura turned on the tv, Shinpachi started cleaning the office, humming something under his nose, and Gin could lie there, eyes closed, unbothered by the outside world.

This? This was alright. Their normal, daily routine.

But then Shinpachi had to come over with his inseparable broom and start his nagging again.

"You should really do something other than just lying around, Gin-san. This can't be good to you in a long run."

"Shut up. I'm tired," he just answered dismissively, feeling an annoyance building inside of him.

"You always say that! You barely leave the house anymore. At least you used to waste time at pachinko or drinks every other day. Now you seem too lazy even for that."

Lazy. Lazy, lazy, lazy. Gintoki could feel something snap in him. 

"If you reaaaally want me to move THAT much," Gintoki growled, slowly raising from his position, "then fine. Here, look, I am getting up! And going out of your sight! Just like you wanted! Because I sure looove walking around the town when I feel like total shit, Patsuan," he walked quickly towards the door without looking back at the kid. 

He could hear rushed footsteps following him behind.

"Gin-san! You know that's not what I meant. I just want you to take care of yourself a little more."  
The hurt in Shinpachi's voice pulled at his heartstrings a little bit, but he decided that he was too exhausted to care and just ignored him.

"You know, Shinpachi might be right this time," Kagura slipped into their conversation in a silent, unsure voice, peeking at them from behind the corner. "All you do lately is sleep, Gin-chan. It's too much even for you."

"You don't eat sweets, you don't read jump... Gin-san, please just tell us what's wrong. Are you ill?"

"Broken-hearted? Having a middle-age crisis already?"

"Maybe we could help somehow if we knew..."

He should be...glad, that they worried for him that much. But somehow, he wasn't. He just felt cornered. Interrogated by two noisy teenagers. He didn't ask for this. He was an adult here, for god’s sake! 

"Well, maybe I just don't want to hear two brats constantly yapping into my ear about my pastime activities!" he yelled, clenching his fists. He could see Kagura curling in on herself, arms crossing over her chest, and he immediately regretted raising his voice. "I'm going out. Don't wait for me with dinner." 

Before they could protest even further, he rushed out, sliding the door closed right in front of their faces.

He ran through the town for a while, no goal in mind. He stopped that pace rather quickly, feeling heaviness in his chest. Running was exhausting. Talks like these were exhausting. Everything was fucking exhausting. When was the last time he didn't feel like every basic social interaction sapped his energy like a marathon run? 

He couldn't even remember.

Hah. Seemed like in-between the nightmares, feeling of guilt and panic and self-degrading thoughts, his mind had run out energy reserves for anything else.

Hilarious.

He even shouted at two kids for no reason at all. They were just worried. Concerned. Totally a normal reaction, expected from every decent human. And he just hurt them in return. He felt terrible.

His eyes were slightly wet. What a mess. It's been a while since that last happened. At least he used to cry for a reason, not just because he felt like shit out of nowhere. And to think he was doing so well for so long…

He was wandering aimlessly around the town for quite a while, street after street. Some people around tried to greet him, shouting invitations for drinks or pachinko, but he barely even registered them, their presence being just an annoying background buzz in his ears. Everything felt so hazy and distant, like he wasn't really there.

Then,

tap, 

tap, 

tap.

It started to rain.

The people slowly disappeared from the streets, hiding inside their houses, and soon he was left in the middle of the street all alone. Somehow, solitude felt good for him right now. Perfect for a screw-up like him.

He was so, so tired. Where was he even going? He didn't know. Did it matter? 

Just another tired step,

after step,

after step,

then,

barely a shuffle. And another.

And then...

he just stopped.

He had reached the bridge.

The rain was still sputtering down from above, making his hair cling to his skin, cold seeping into his bones, making him shake. He looked up towards the grey clouds. No sign of any change in the weather soon. Figures that for every bad thing, another happened.

He felt so lost. Totally not knowing what to do anymore.

He had felt like this before. Yet he gave himself another chance, and that feeling slowly disappeared with time. But of course it had to return with a double force now, and everything he had done for the better so far never seemed more meaningless.

Meaningless, insignificant.

Was there really a point to fight for a new life, when at the end all he would get was feeling like trash in return?

Were people really happier with him staying around? At first glance it seemed like it, but now… Doubtful. He was too much of a mess of a human that couldn’t get his shit together.. Gambler. Alcoholic. Lazy. Unmotivated. Freeloader. Why did he even try to fit in, acting like some kind of mentor figure to random kids he met? He wasn't Shoyo. He never would be. Especially not after killing his own teacher.

Failing to protect anyone.

Somehow, it seemed more likely now that he was living in an illusion this whole time.  
His thoughts were spiraling down more rapidly than ever, and when he looked down the bridge...

A thought.

Just a passing thought, that still made him stop his musings abruptly.

He looked down at the river below more carefully. He had always been careless for his life, more so than other people, but he had never considered that option before, not really. So many before him had done it... Such a small step, yet it brought such a huge change. A relief. And the world moved on without them, like nothing ever happened.

Would anyone even miss him? Really, truly miss him? Kagura had her dad. It was wrong to keep her on Earth in the first place, not when she still had a caring family member out there. Maybe if he disappeared, she would manage to get her family back together, with nothing holding her back on this planet. Shinpachi had a dojo, his father's legacy to run, the kid shouldn't be stuck doing some dumb odd-jobs with him and chasing after lost cats. And his sister would look after him, that was for sure.

The world would slowly move on, no matter what happened to him, and the nightmares and the constant guilt and worry would finally stop.

What price did a human life even have, if one could end it so swiftly? All it took was a rope, or a poison, or

a fast strike of a sword at someone's neck,

or one step...  
...

So cheap, human life is.

Something fast and heavy tackled him, air leaving his lungs. He coughed violently.

"What the hell," a familiar voice screamed right into his ear, "do you think you are doing?!"

Kagura.

"Gin-san!"

Another cry. A tackle and a hug from his other side.

Shinpachi.

Shit.

He could feel the girl's body shaking under him, and something squeezed at his heart. 

They followed after him.

They've seen... this, whatever that sudden urge to jump was.

He never, never wanted to worry them like this. And then he heard a sob, and he felt like his heart had shattered.

"No, no, no, I'm okay, I'm okay." He patted Kagura on her trembling head as gently and reassuringly as he could, even though he could hear his own voice breaking. "Kagura. Hey, Kagura, please don't cry."

"You...you..." She hiccuped, and then broke apart rapidly from the hug, and grabbed desperately at his hand, looking straight into his eyes, her own wet with tears. "Gin-chan," a pained sob, "Gin-chan, you are not okay! Stop pretending already!" 

"Gin-san, just...Why? Why did you do that?" Shinpachi's voice next to him was shaky, almost like the boy was on the verge of crying as well.

Gintoki closed his eyes. How could he even proceed to explain his fucked up thinking process to innocent kids like them? He didn't even understand it himself.

"I.. I don't know. I don't know what just happened, it was, like, a haze... I don't know."

"How can you not know?! Just be honest for once! Why won't you ask for help if the things have gotten THIS bad for you? Why do you always insist on doing everything by yourself?" Kagura's angry shout right into his face made him quiver. The girl hid her face in his shoulder, and he could hear her muffled cry. "I HATE this side of you!"

Gintoki didn't know how to react to that. It was like his brain had simply stopped working, unable to form any coherent thought or response. 

"...Maybe let's all just go back home, for now. Can... can we do that?" Shinpachi muttered, unsure, being their voice of reason as usual. "This is not the right place for that kind of talk."

"You're right, Shinpachi..."Kagura admitted, sniffling and drying her face on her sleeve, Shinpachi massaging her back in comfort. "Let's go home. Okay, Gin-chan?" she even managed a small, wobbly smile in his direction. What a strong kid. He would be proud, if the situation wasn't this fucked up.

Home...

"Yeah, okay..." he answered weakly, his head down. He couldn't find it in his heart to refuse.

They got off the bridge and began a slow walk back to the Yorozuya office. In this madness he ended up wandering quite far away from Kabukicho, so it took them some time. Shinpachi was throwing him a worried look every few moments, like he tried to reassure himself that the samurai was still there. Kagura refused to let go of his hand, keeping him close.

Like they thought that he could disappear any second.

Maybe he actually could. He himself wasn’t so sure anymore.

"Um. Maybe I will make us some tea." Shinpachi offered, a bit weakly, when they finally got back. All of them were on edge. Gintoki stood frozen in a halfway, not knowing how to act without making them even more worried, feeling like a broken machine. Kagura threw a quick glance at him and she took his hand gently, leading him to the sofa. They settled down, Kagura leaning on his shoulder. Soon, Shinpachi joined them with the tea and perched down on the samurai's other side.

"So, now, can you please, for fuck’s sake, explain - what's been going on with you lately?" Okay, things were definitely bad if Shinpachi managed to swear like that.

"I don't even understand it myself," he just mumbled, because it was true.

"It doesn't need to be all that detailed, just... give us something to work with, alright?" Kagura pleaded softly. He sighted. Okay. He could do this. They deserved it, after he scared them so badly.

"You... know the war, right?" they nodded. "During the war, some... some bad things happened. Really bad things, and I... don't think I've ever gotten over them, ever since," he gulped. Yeah, that seemed to sum it up well, and was vague enough. That was good.

"That seems pretty normal... war is a scary experience," Shinpachi acknowledged with a small nod, his brows slightly furrowed. Silence followed. Gintoki twiddled his fingers nervously. It was obvious they were waiting for something more.

"Then... Then you should get it. All these moments, from the past, they keep coming back to me, always. And I'm so tired of it... I keep trying to convince myself that it's in the past. Everything's all right now." He laughed bitterly. "But the people who died won't come back. Things won't last like they are now, because they never do, and in the end, I will just end up losing something important again. Failing to protect it."

His eyes were wet again. Fuck. The kid’s gazes immediately intensified, worried. Right, he never cried in front of them. He hid his head in arms, feeling utterly weak. No, he couldn’t let them see him like this.

"Gin-san, you need to understand… You don't have to be some sort of unbreakable, strong figure, especially after what you went through... It's okay to feel weak sometimes. So talk it out, and let yourself be protected, for once, okay?" Shinpachi put a hand on his shoulder, his touch a comforting, grounding presence.

"Let yourself be protected, so you won't have to… ever feel like doing that again, " Kagura said, rubbing her eyes, letting out a small sob. Shinpachi soon followed, sniffling. Soon, they all ended up bawling, two teens and one adult, on the living room sofa, hugging each other tightly like a lifeline. Gintoki couldn’t stop the word vomit now.

"I've lost everything, for the price of nothing. Taken countless lives. All for fucking nothing! And whenever I feel like I'm actually getting on the right track, life somehow screws me over, takes it all away. And I just… I don't want to see that happening, never, ever again. I’ve lost the most important person in my life. My friends… And I just don’t wanna lose anyone else."

He cried, and cried, all pent-up emotions finally letting loose. 

"Hey, Gin-san... You didn't lose us. We're still here with you."

"...And how long will that last?" Gintoki creaked weakly. “You don’t know, do you?”

"We will stay as long as we need to!"

"And you won't get rid of us that easily!" Kagura added, massaging him on his back.

“So don’t worry about what might or might not happen, okay?”

“We will be there with you.”

After a while, they all slowly managed to quiet down. But they didn’t dare to move apart from each other’s embrace.

"I'm so sorry. I will never do that again," Gintoki said, in the end, honestly meaning it.

"It's okay." Their eyes were still red and puffed, but they both smiled wobbly in his direction, and he found himself returning it, slightly.

Soon, the kids fell into a tired slumber, tucked under his arms, exhausted from all the crying. Gin observed them for a while, and soon he himself fell into a light, dreamless nap.

When he woke up later, without the nightmares for the first time in awhile, he had to admit that after that emotional rollercoaster, he somehow felt both heavier and lighter than before.

And when he looked at the kids sprawled under him…

When he listened to Kagura's silent snores, felt the rise and fall of Shinpachi’s chest, he knew that nothing would come right away, he was sure of it, but maybe, maybe… Maybe everything really would start to get better, slowly.

Soon, the dawn would come.


End file.
